So all of Australia and the world are all too aware of Peter Duttons policies on children on boats and how he is quite happy to lock them up, but have you heard his new policies on blonde pig-tailed children on planes? After tonight I’m fairly certain they are on his hit list too.

We were seated beside Dutton on the flight from hell this afternoon. Briar toddler was overtired and no amount of colouring books, Peppa Pig, Wiggles, light up balls, cheese, stickers, chupa chups or even a kinder surprise was enough to keep her calm.

Briar refused to stay in her seat. She kicked over my glass of water. She slammed the window shutters up and down more times than I can count. She slid off her chair. She lay on the floor. She threw chocolate. She stuck her arm through to the woman in front and waved it around. She kicked. She screamed. She cried.

After the seatbelt sign was put back on for landing, the only way I could keep her in her seat and with the seatbelt on was to hold my hand over the buckle so she couldn’t undo it. She screamed and cried and yelled “Get me outta here” for the last 15 minutes straight of the flight. I repeatedly assured her that every one on board wanted her outta there and we would get her off as soon as we were on the ground.

Ironically, the one passenger who smiled supportively at me and offered to cuddle my baby whilst I tried to look after Briar was Duttons wife.

So if you see a blonde-haired ladydress-wearing toddler being deported to Nauru in the near future, you’ll know why.

Right now, my little banshee is snuggled into my lap having a sleepy cuddle after a very traumatic flight.

Thank god we’re home.